2 quick comments

finally georgia beats florida. why they couldnt do it when i was there is anyones guess. and why they had to wait until they had completely pissed away any shot at the sec championship game (assuming of course that the vols can handle perrenial powers kentucky and vanderbilt) is also a bit of a mystery, but hey, im not complaining here. ill take what they give me.

and second, watching terrell owens week in and week out has to be one of the great pleasures of sports since the ousting of dennis rodman from the nba. few players are able to mock the opponent so effectively while also producing on the field or court or what have you. the ray lewis dance in the end zone may be my favorite t.o. celebration so far. when he ends up murdered in atlanta soon, we will all know why.

shortbus

as promised way back, the shortbus is rapidly becoming all haikus. it pleases me however and i will continue to post there, whether you fuckers continue to ignore me or not. also as promised, anyone who would like to post (haiku or otherwise) on the shortbus may do so. here is some encouragement- haikus are easy. i know you can do it. thats about all of that ive got in me. its in short supply anyway and twelfth graders take it out of me in the mornings. whatever. done.

back to the future part d

i will now quote my blogger from over a year ago.

Sunday, August 24, 2003

3. georgia over florida? laughable. we all know that georgia will never ever ever beat florida again. this is like predicting a healthy griffey in cincy, or a red sox world series. itll be a cold day in hell buddy.

well, clearly since the two are linked, a boston victory tonihgt would assure a uga victory this weekend. if boston wins and uga loses and it turns out that boston has fucked me in the end (in true red sox fashion) so help me, i will destroy that town come december when i visit. i am sure that now the fbi and department for homeland security will be banging down my door soon. its been fun. perhaps ill post from guantanamo.

nerd factor

the post below is from The Wave Magazine whcih apparently operates out of the bay area, which i assume is the san francisco bay, but who knows really. chris sent it to me in an email entitled "ha", which was appropriate. i laughed, and thus, i post it below. in other news, florida fired zook. man am i pissed if i am zook. fuckin guy doesnt even get three years to fix the program, gets screwed in a loss to tennessee this year (a tennessee team that will eventually play in the sec championship game) when the refs make a bogus call, and then gets dumped because the fucking gators want spurrier back. i hope they were at least honest with the guy and told him that his firing had nothing to do with him or his record while at their oh so illustrious school. i also hope spurrier tells them to go to hell and they end up stuck with jim donnan or some such jackleg. anyhow, my rant has gone on long enough, and georgia will still lose badly this weekend and will indeed never beat florida again. heres the article i promised you.

Dorkstorm: The Annihilation

The ten geekiest hobbies

By Seanbaby

You can tell a lot about a person from the hobbies they choose, especially if it requires them to be tied to a bathtub full of hot dogs with a panel of judges and a proctologist with a tape measure watching. But enough about coin collecting. We’ve contacted renowned experts on geeks, as well as many actual geeks, to compile this list of the dorkiest things you can do with your time. Each activity will be ranked on both how badly it humiliates the participant and how negatively it affects his or her sex life. These are not rough estimates. These are scientific facts based on the research done by captive supergeniuses working in controlled conditions with test mice and test mice dressed like tiny wizards.

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10. Comic Books
Public Humiliation: 49.5%
Our studies show that comic book geeks are normally solitary, but engage in very noisy arguments when gathered in numbers. These are usually based on the most recent superhero movie, and how much it sucked. This sucking is always measured in direct relation to the number of continuity problems between it and an issue of The Incredible Hulk, which to be honest, had some problems of its own like the Abrams tank with the completely wrong size smoothbore turret and the Hulk’s hair just all of a sudden being parted the other way! Safety Tip: If your comic book geek isn’t loudly complaining about something, check carefully – you might have blacked out and killed it.

Damage to Sex Life: 68.7%
When you’re finished showing someone your chart of all the ways Magneto’s hat in X-Men 2 was incorrect, it’s going to be a long, uphill battle to then have sex with them. And to make matters worse, the faulty shape of the dong port in the movie’s version of Magneto’s hat will make having sex with it even harder.

Distinguishing Characteristics: Comic book geeks wear a uniform of a faded Green Lantern t-shirt and a confrontationally unkempt appearance.

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9. Role Playing Games
Public Humiliation: 63.4%
Dungeons and Dragons combines the nerdiness of a fantasy setting with the fruitiness of improvisational theatre, and as if that weren’t enough for them to deal with, the rest of us think these people are going to go crazy and kill us. It’s really hard for society to do more to tell you that if you play this game, you’re on your own.

Damage to Sex Life: 78.0%
We weren’t exactly sure on this figure, since a 78% means that there’s still a 22% chance of a woman walking by role players and one of them saying, “A minotaur? Here in the Dungeon of Kajmar!? Very well, I swing my axe of axing at th- why hello there, pretty lady. My name’s Twinkleberry, The Spritish Pegasus. Why, as a matter of fact I AM single.”

Distinguishing Characteristics: An RPGeek either wears a black heavy metal shirt or, in tragic attempts at stylishness, a button-up shirt with a wrap-around dragon and flames.

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8. Scrapbooking
Public Humiliation: 86.2%
Most people tend to avoid scrapbookers in an effort to prevent their photo from being pasted between a floral border along with a word bubble shouting, “Are we having fun yet!” Scrapbookers have an insatiable hunger to date and catalogue precious moments, and many fear that these keepsakes are being collected to one day be used in an evil plan to flood the world with vomit.

Damage to Sex Life: N/A
People who make scrapbooks do not have sex organs like you and me. As required by the Code of the Scrapbookers, after the completion of their first book of cherished memories, surgeons replace their genitalia with paste dispensers.

Distinguishing Characteristics: You’ll know these people because they’re always leading a small parade of their offspring in karate, ballet, scout or soccer uniforms. And according to shocking facts learned from these people’s sweatshirts, their children THINK THEY’RE AN ATM!

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7. Star Wars
Public Humiliation: 82.1%
Before the lame-ass new Star Wars movies, we might have let it go if we saw a Lando Calrissian or an Ewok waiting in line for a movie. Not anymore. Anyone disguised as a Jedi in this day and age had better have been helped into that costume by a caregiver assigned by the state to assist their special needs. Related Trivia Fact: Admiral Ackbar is the guy with the fish head from Return of the Jedi that screams things like, “Shorshenblorg borshchortle!”

Damage to Sex Life: 54.6%
Dressing like Darth Vader creates a number of sexual obstacles. First you have to find someone who doesn’t mind dating the dark lord of geeks, and from this point on the sentence is moot since you won’t, and then they have to safely be able to dig their way through your codpiece of cybernetic space enhancements. Impossible. Plus, the speech that Darth Vader gave to Natalie Portman in Episode II (about how she was so great because she wasn’t like sand) is going to hang over the heads of evil single Jedi for generations. On the other hand, the strict moral code of the good Jedi prevents them from touching naked women with anything other than a light saber. And that, of course, would kill them. On the third hand, I have this theory I’ve been meaning to test that jumping into a room naked and screaming like Chewbacca would be super erotic. Keep in mind, however, that my last theory, “Wouldn’t it be sweet if these were like, FLYING condoms?” went largely ignored by the sex community.

Distinguishing Characteristics: Overweight, casually strolling into the center of the room, and then when you least expect it, bursting into a blinding Jedi combat storm with a golf ball retriever.

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6. Vampirism
Public Humiliation: 90.0%
When enjoying Tim Burton movies and the Cure aren’t enough to express your artistic depression, you turn to vampirism. This type of geek gathers with its kind to simulate vampiric society through a game of milling around and giving each other spooky threats in untraceable fake accents. Beginner’s Tip: The costumes and makeup required for this hobby are elaborate, so if you don’t have time every morning for a Dracula makeover, you can send the same message by just wearing a sign reading, “I hate my parents and my classmates beat me.” To make this slightly more vampiric you may want to add the word “Blah!” at the beginning and end of the sentence.

Damage to Sex Life: 14.9%
One danger of vampiric sex is that many singles within in these communities are actually undercover vampire hunters waiting to jam a stake into you while you’re struggling to untie your corset. Aside from that hazard, though, it’s all good news: The dark creatures breed some pretty sexy people jammed into some skimpy leathery outfits. If you don’t mind making out with someone who, like you, tastes like stage blood and cigarettes, you can lead an exciting sex life of the night.

Distinguishing Characteristics: Vampires are difficult to spot. Keep an eye out for the group of restless magician corpses with simulated human remains dripping from their mouths. One way I’ve found to make sure they’re real vampires is to scream, “Skeletor!” and see if they cheer in agreement.

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5. Collectible Card Games
Public Humiliation: 96.8%
Some experts claim that living a moment of completely pure humiliation is impossible, since that can only be achieved through some kind of lethal masturbation accident. But those experts have never seen the shame on a grown man’s face who’s just been caught by someone he knows playing Pokemon cards with a 10-year-old stranger in a hobby store.

Damage to Sex Life: 89.3%
All the carefully constructed card decks and assault strategies become useless once these geeks discover that a woman’s vagina contains no defending dragon harpies. Ha ha, that’s one of those double ironic jokes, because anyone who took high school biology knows that they actually DO.

Distinguishing Characteristics: This geek is always carrying a backpack, at least one more type of case for emergency miniature statues, and a thick layer of atrophied blubber to drip feed them nutrients.

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4. Everquest
Public Humiliation: 70.1%
Since this game is played over the computer, most people would never know you played it unless you told them. However, if you’ve ever known anyone that’s played Everquest, you know that the part of their brain that allows them to keep the details of their quest for level 8 Vorpal chaps to themselves has long since been destroyed.

Damage to Sex Life: 99.8%
While other geek hobbies act as intercourse repellent, this game is so addicting to its users that it will actually destroy any sex life they might have, through some kind of groin miracle. And with all the male players pretending to be girls to get magical gifts, no one’s inter-gender social skills are going to be finely tuned when or if they ever pull themselves away from imaginary adventuring.

Distinguishing Characteristics: If someone looks like they and their gut have spent the last three days together in the same clothes, and they’re secreting Mountain Dew out of their pores, that’s a good sign of Everquest. The other is the wistful look in their eyes that yearn to gaze upon lizard warriors killing hobbits.

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3. Star Trek
Public Humiliation: 86.2%
These geeks used to be called Trekkies, but now insist on the less derogatory term Trekkers, which is the image control equivalent of adding a koala bear to the Nazi flag. They tend to be unobtrusive, but for every hundred Trekkers polite enough to obsess in their own homes, there’s some bastard singing at the karaoke bar in Klingon and a computer repairman demanding that his coworkers address him by his Starfleet rank. Before you laugh, though, there’s almost assuredly a third one building something that can vaporize your non-Star Trek ass from orbit.

Damage to Sex Life: 93.4%
While it’s true that ladies crave fat men with pointy ears and a strong armpit odor, those green aliens that Kirk used to bone created a standard of beauty for Trekkies that no Earth woman can live up to.

Distinguishing Characteristics: If someone approaching you is more machine than man and threatening to assimilate you, it’s either a Star Trek enthusiast or an android lost in time. Either way, it’s your duty as a human to smash it.

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2. Furries/Plushies
Public Humiliation: 99.95%
Furries are people who dress like animals to have sex with each other, usually without regard for gender of their mate or the species of their costume. If that’s tough to wrap your head around, picture McGruff the Crime Dog coming to your school and humping your mascot’s leg. Plushies have a similar hobby, but instead of having sex with nerds dressed as animals, they consummate their relationships with their stuffed animals. I’m sure you’ve heard of these people; they’re the main reason the Care Bears declared war against us.

Damage to Sex Life: -9.2%
For a plushie out on the prowl, the good news is that barnyard puppets just can’t say no. And as for the furries, they don’t seem to be picky about who they mount. Maybe because they’re ecstatic to find other people with the same debilitating social handicap as themselves, but most likely because everyone looks hot as a six-foot chicken. I mean, who’s with me, how do you not [Censor’s note: you really didn’t want to read this part we cut] all the way into its chicken hole!?

Distinguishing Characteristics: You’ll know furries and plushies because they’ll either be wearing a crotchless panda suit or just a screaming teddy bear firmly against their crotch, respectively.

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1. Live Action Role Playing
Public Humiliation: 100%
Live action role playing, or LARP, is a nerd’s parent’s worst fears come true: Dungeons and Dragons has finally made their child go crazy. These people dress up like fantasy characters and go on adventures where other nerds play the parts of enemy monsters, which would be fine if the participants were in the second grade. When adults do it, it’s like a renaissance faire and backyard wrestling met, had demonic babies, and gave them weapons.

Damage to Sex Life: 100%
If you and your team of paladins are thinking about leaving your mom’s basement to move your fantasy quests into society, you might as well leave your genitals behind.

Distinguishing Characteristics: Aside from the barbarian clothes and giant monster heads, it’s impossible to know who might be LARPing. The only way to be sure is when they throw make-believe fireballs at you from their very fingertips, but by then... it’s already too late.

observed

i was observed by the principal today. it went well, but he did have one warning for me. apparently i should cut back on the sarcasm. he says he doesnt believe there is any place in the classroom for sarcasm. wow. i dont believe there is any place in the room for 31 kids, and yet, somehow they fit. sarcasm. if i get rid of that what would i have left? i shall leave you to ponder that one.

everybody on the shortbus

all my students on the shortbus. but no classes for me tomorrow, just a work day to get ready for progress reports. i aim to update here soon, add asignificant post or two, but as of now i am still mourning the loss of all of my fucking sports teams this week. shitty, all of them. reading life of pi. pretty damn good. anyhow, the point-
haikus are a wonderful thing. i have filled the shortbus with them. they please me. more to come soon.
and as a p.s.- discussed smokey and the bandit today as it related to the great gatsby with fellow teacher nerds. that movie is a fucking classic. burt reynolds rules.

carlyles blog

has carlson taken his blog offline. why wont it let me go there. i will say that if this is the case, i will be furious due to the petty nature of such an act. get mad, stop posting, thats all well and good. but to take the blog clean off the internet or to switch the url to some unknown location (russian) that is just tomfoolery. someone please explain this to me. i have now fixed my missing links so that you may do so.

chimpito

damn, i was almost crying at parts of this, mainly the parts in which the names were used in sentences. fucking kills me.

In Defense of
the Chimpy Corollary.
BY CHRIS STECK
- - - -

I am pleased to share the results from new studies we've recently completed at the J.D. Aspen Institute that prove conclusively the Chimpy Corollary to the Motherfucker Hypothesis. This corollary claims that "almost all people are at least mildly offended when you address them as Chimpy, yet they often don't know why" and that their level of agitation is "similar regardless of race, religion, nationality, or gender."

The majority of our study was conducted in the real world, addressing workers in various service industries, friends, and family. When uttered, the phrases were held at a constant, unexcited pitch and offered to a myriad of participants who were subsequently asked to respond to a questionnaire regarding the experience.

Examples of statements used in this study include:

"Hold on, Chimpy, I had fries with that."

"Is there a problem, Officer Chimpy?"

"Whoa there, Chimpy, I gave you a twenty."

"Could you pass the wine, Chimpy?"

"Look, Chimpy, a Q-tip is not a weapon I could use to hijack the plane, though I will acknowledge your point that they do sort of resemble 'fuzzy matches.'"

The results were not markedly affected by adding titles (e.g., "Dr. Chimpy," "Rabbi Chimpy," "Chef Chimpy," etc.), applying the diminutive ("Little Miss Chimpy," "Chimpito," "Chimpchen," etc.), or by applying other endings ("Chimpson," "Mr. Chimpypants," etc.) to the root word "Chimp(y)."

While participants could not always articulate why they were offended, 99.6 percent reported that they were, in fact, offended and consistently described the feeling as "miffed" and "slightly put out." After excluding the data from one unoffended Frenchman whose last name was Chimpet, this number rose to a perfect 100 percent!

So you are asking yourself, "Where are we breaking new ground? How does this deviate from the Motherfucker Hypothesis? Why do we need a corollary?"

While the Chimpy Corollary does share with the original MFH the same properties of being universal and polyethnic in its offensiveness, it differs vastly in that "Chimpy" is not at the same time lewd or obscene. It can also be argued that "motherfucker" is not equally offensive to everyone. (Certainly participants that were orphaned, were reared by their father alone, or whose mothers are deceased might be inclined to feel an added sense of loss and despair not shared by participants who at least have a mother to copulate with should they be so inclined!)

There are those who will argue that "Chimpy" too could be construed as more offensive to certain segments of the population when uttered by hateful inbred Caucasians that fear change, and less offensive to others (e.g., people who have worked with or have otherwise gotten to "know" a chimpanzee, such as Michael Jackson, Dow chemists, or the Landers sisters), but this argument is flawed in that it assumes the receiving party is an English speaker and could derive offense or delight from being associated with a primate. Our research actually shows that native European participants are still "miffed and slightly put out" when addressed in their native tongue in which the term "Chimpy" does not have any meaning at all!

Phrases used in the European study were designed to parallel closely their English counterpart and include:

"Ist der Platz frei, Chimpy?" (German for "Is this seat taken, Chimpy?")

"Très magnifique, Capitan Chimptastic!" (French for "That's most magnificent, Captain Chimptastic!")

"Gooooooooooal, Chimpito!" (Spanish for "Our soccer team scored a goal, Smallish Chimp, and I am VERY excited!")

"But what if some of the participants came into the study already miffed and slightly put out?" you ask. "Wouldn't that skew the data?"

To ensure this was not the case, a separate study was conducted where participants were isolated and made to listen to Maroon 5 for 10 to 26 minutes, until any detected aggression or happiness faded to pleasant neutrality. We also seeded all studies with neutral control statements such as "I find the new Old Navy 'hoody' sweatshirts to be quite comfortable." In all cases, the participants showed no measurable spike from the Maroon 5-induced baseline when presented with a control phrase, yet all other data collected was consistent with the fieldwork.

I think you will agree that these findings are phenomenal and conclusive in their support of the Chimpy Corollary to the MFH, but in closing, as an exercise left to the still-undecided reader, I would like to say:

The ball is in your court, Chimpy. Q.E.D.

so there you have it. mcsweeneys coming strong once again. i should ad that with the mcsweeneys shit, if it doesnt interest me in like the first 30 words, i give up on it generally. you should feel free to do the same if you do not already. quite frankly, i post much of this shit so that i can more easily review it and be entertained again. i wouldnt go to effort like this for the vast majority of you fuckers. so, that said, heres another. oh yes, and i only read the "chimpy" one cause monkeys are always funny.

SCENES FROM
A BLOCKBUSTER ACTION MOVIE FEATURING
A TECHNOLOGY EXPERT
WITH APPROXIMATELY
MY OWN REAL-LIFE
SKILL LEVEL.

BY SEAN KEANE
- - - -

Reconnaissance

"O'Henderson, nice surveillance work. The report you put together was incredible. Friends, associates, even his favorite movies and bands. We're a lot closer to finding that bastard Santiago now."

"It's what I do, Lieutenant."

"How'd you get all this information? Wiretaps? Hacking into the cartel's database?"

"No, sir. He's on Friendster."



Tracing the Call

"Keep Santiago on the line for a little while longer—I need to scroll down farther in my address book."

"You know, O'Henderson, you can punch in the first letter of their name and it goes a lot faster."

"I need to concentrate here! Wait a second! I think I'm getting a text message!"



Defusing the Bomb

"There's no time to evacuate the orphans. Quick, O'Henderson, which wire do we cut?"

"Have you tried unplugging the bomb?"

"We did that, and it didn't help. The timer is still counting down!"

"Step back. I'm going to pull out the detonator, blow on it, and then put it back into the bomb."

"Are you positive, O'Henderson? We're talking about the lives of 1,500 Belorussian orphans here."

"Hmm. What if we defragged?"



The Love Scene

"Guys, I fixed the walkie-talkies. Santiago didn't sabotage them. It turns out one of the batteries was in backwa—oh! I'll leave you two alone."



The Car-Chase Aftermath

"We got him! I can't believe we got to the bridge in time! That was some damn fine navigation, O'Henderson. Thanks for saving our asses back there."

"Don't thank me, Lieutenant. Thank Mapquest.com."

chimpy was certainly better, but this one was somewhat entertaining as i can see myself in it. defusing the bomb might be my favorite. "have you tried unplugging the bomb?" classic.

el duderino

tonight i go for the victory, bowling league supremacy. plus i get my tacky yellow shirt, which is sweet. long time no blog. well, like a week anyway. been busy with all kinds of weddings and shit like that. ive decided to become a recluse, cause its fun. no more talking to pretty much anyone. dont worry carlyle, i havent been answering my phone for anyone. stuck at a fucking wedding this weekend for the uga-lsu game. fury. figures that the game i cant watch is the first one where they have played half decent. that should mean this weeks game should go well too as i am stuck at another wedding. ridiculous. stop fucking getting married people. in other news, midterms this week. seriously, like half of my class is going to be failing after this. should be fun to listen to furious parents. hmm, what else. oh yeah, whole lotta nothin. anyhow, fuck it, im out. just figured id put up a post about nothing. if i win at bowling expect another post in the next day or so. otherwise, expect nothing. man, this was like my weakest post ever. oh well. my bad.