random blog snippet

i found this on some douchebags blog. it made me laugh. the rest of the blog sucked though. see for yourself if you must. anyhow, heres the quote-

It's a shame when people identify themselves in terms of their relationship to the economy. This says nothing about a person. I mean, thinking of yourself as a garbage man or newscaster is meaningless, as it says little about who you are.

That said, if I was a newscaster, during sex I'd say, "this just in: my penis in your asshole" or perhaps "back to you, Martha, in the vagina."

there was more to the post, but it bored me so i stopped reading it. end communique.

cable?

its supposed to be coming today. we shall see. now maybe i can catch sportscenter and shit on a regular basis. and i can watch all those super cool movies on lifetime. i mean... wait. um...moving on- i will post more when i do not have like eight million things to do, like failing my entire class cause theyre dirty dirty cheaters. i mean honestly, do you think i live in a bubble? a bubble without the internet? why would you cut and paste sparknotes? with the hyperlinks still underlined and in blue?! the fury came out today in first block. man am i ready for the semester to end. stupid people bother me. yes, so heres a post from mcsweeeney's. its not bad. i chuckled.

SPREADING
THE GOOD WORD:
A MISSIONARY'S GUIDE.

BY WENDY MOLYNEUX

- - - -

Let's face it. Not everybody is ready to hear the word of the Lord. Many people have excuses about why they aren't ready to take Jesus into their hearts, such as: "How can I believe in God when the world is filled with pain?" or "I'm a Jew." So how do you spread the word of the Messiah to everybody? Read below to find the group you're targeting, memorize the script, then get out there and sell!

Teenagers

Troubled Teen: Man, Jesus is boring. I'd rather ride my BMX bicycle, smoke reefer, and get handjobs.

Missionary: Whoa, there! You think Jesus is boring?! Well, peep this, homeslice. One time Jesus was chilling at this party, when ... what? Aw, hell no. The guy throwing the party didn't buy enough wine. Everybody was about to leave, when out of nowhere, Jesus made a whole grip of wine, and some tasty-ass snacks. Having a guy around who can create a keg out of thin air would be pretty helpful to somebody who can't buy beer, yo.

Troubled Teen: I never knew Jesus liked to party.

Missionary: Word. (Of the Lord!)

Feminists

Feminist: Jesus is the figurehead of a patriarchal religion that teaches women that they are second to men in all things.

Missionary: You're really pretty.

Feminist: What? Really?

Missionary: Yeah, I mean, it's not an obvious kind of prettiness—it's subtler. You look a little like Kate Winslet.

Feminist: (sobs) Nobody has ever said that to me before. That's why I'm so angry.

Missionary: I bet you've had some pretty bad experiences with men. But I'd like to give you a good one. What are you doing on Friday?

Feminist: I was going to go to a Take Back The Night march but ...

Missionary: ... you'd rather go to Applebee's and get to know me better? You don't mind if I bring my wingman do you? His name is Our Lord.

Robots

Android: The Bible does not mention artificial intelligence.

Missionary: Look, HelpBot 6-900, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but there was a whole bunch of stuff in the Bible about robots. It got cut out. It says so in The Da Vinci Code.

Android: Are you sure?

Missionary: How do you think people did all that crazy stuff: walking on water, killing giants, forgiving their families? Normal humans can't do that stuff. Those were robots.

Android: I knew that humans were lying to me. Must kill all humans. Must kill.

Missionary: Oops.

Democrats

Democrat: Actually, I'm already a Christian. I go to First Presbyterian.

Missionary: I don't get it.

Democrat: I know.

i feel the need, the need for speed

and im talking the drug here, cause this next week is going to fucking suck and blow all at the same time. i think ive got about six weeks worth of shit to do and about six days to get it done in. and so of course here i am blogging instead of doing any of it. typical. team half a chance has another practice today. gotta learn to shoot free throws. 12 misses and a one point loss. not too tough to do that math. also gonna teach them to set picks and "accidentally" elbow people in the balls when they go up for rebounds. gotta keep the momentum going here. a blowout this weekend could destroy team morale. need a win.

listening to the garden state soundtrack. pretty solid shit if you like that kind of slow moody mellow rock thing, which i do occasionally. this song "lebanese blonde" by thievery corporation is a kick ass change of pace and reminds me of the kicking drum beats on some of the songs from like the romeo and juliet soundtrack (the baz luhrman version). still a rather mellow song, but different and i like it. this first song is like my favorite coldplay song. good shit. this song "let go" by frou frou is also pretty kick ass. never seen the movie, but i think i can probably get the tone of it just from the soundtrack. i wanna see the movie. heard good things.

moving on, definitely gotta go play some college football after reading greenwoods most recent post. army needs to finish out the season. are guys ever too old for video games? i vote no. and so on that note, i am off. ciao.

velvet revolver who?

i blog from distant lands this evening. i have finally run away from my students and will not be working tomorrow.

i just tried to dress up as an elf. didnt work. apparently i was bulging in the usual places (believe it or not).

so anyhow, on sunday i went to the mistletoe jam or whatever the fuck it is called. we got there to see the music, who doug has like an extreme hard-on for. they were pretty good. some kids afterwards asked doug who they were and said that the drum beats were all the same. i seriously feared for the kids life. doug almost exploded. they only played five songs. doug claims the firestorm is soon to come. anyhow, next was jimmy eat world. they played some lame christmas cover. nuf said. next came muse, the band i was most excited to see. i will soon be tatooing their names on my ass. they were that fucking awesome. seriously, if they ever come back to town i will be dragging everyone i know to the show with me. best live band i have seen maybe ever. seriously. they fucking rocked my pants off. then we had a fucking hour and a half break so that we could wait for the velvet ones to get stoned enough to come onto the stage to play their set. i maintain that the break was simply to lull us all into forgetting how fucking rad (thats right, rad) muse was. at any rate, they did finally make it onstage. their set was good. they did their thing. they rocked. however, i am just not the worlds biggest velvet revolver fan. now maybe if they had played like all gnr and stp stuff i would have dug it, but their own shit is kind of boring to me. however, as far as live bands go they were good. they jumped around and slash donned his trademark hat and ripped off a solo for mr. brownstone which was cool, but the highlight of the evening, besides watching doug hit on a 31 year old (successfully i might add, despite his amazing lack of game) was the 45 minutes of all out footstomping head banging rock from muse. that is all i have to say about that.

my picks went rather well this weekend i think. the college ones were a bit rough, but several of those relied too much on wishful thinking. i will pick with the spread next time. my nfl picks were solid. that is all of that.

yes well, i must now go attempt to resurrect my brief career as an elf. im sure you will all hear more about it. ta ta for now.

as promised

here come my first career nfl picks. and its more fun to pick against the spread, so thats what im gonna do.

and my only other prediction of the weekend- team half a chance (my eleven and twelve year old basketball team) will win their first game. i have no idea who we are going to be playing, but im starting out an optimist. ill let you know how it goes. without further ado-

green bay at philly (eagles -6): hmm, i intentionally started with one of the best games this week. green bay has been hot lately. it seems like they do this every year, get just hot enough to make the playoffs and then lose a bit of energy. against the eagles you cannot lose energy. plus the defensive backs are fucking weak in green bay. i look for t.o. to celebrate 2 touchdowns and the eagles to win by 13 or so (i really wanna say 12 but that sounds like an odd number, so ill lay off of it). eagles cover.

dallas at seattle (seattle -7): heres the thing with this one; the cowboys look pretty bad on paper. but i refuse to believe they are as bad as advertised. now while i am still bitter that they let quincy carter go (coke problem or not, unacceptable, the guys soon to be a super bowl mvp for crying out loud), i simply cannot put any faith into a seahawk team that is rapidly self destructing. dallas covers, and wins to boot.

pittsburgh at jacksonville (pittsburgh -3): why is this game so close? jacksonville has yet to win convincingly. they have been squeaking out wins against mediocre teams (with the exception of maybe indy) all season. i am not impressed. i like leftwich, i like fred taylor, i like jimmy smith. i would like to see jacksonville win games. but they arent going to get it done agaist the nfl's best d. i know everyone is waiting for the steelers to stumble and for the rookie to make some rookie mistakes, but i just aint buying this one as an upset. if the jags win, i will admit i was wrong. when they dont, i will gloat about being the smartest man alive. pittsburgh covers, and wins by...oh, lets say ten. hines ward!

denver at san diego (san diego -3): again i am a bit flummoxed by this one. denvers got a good offense and theyve got a good defense. san diegos got a good offense and theyve got a good defense. san diegos got home field, which is supposed to be huge in the nfl (but which i dont really put a whole lot of stock in; the better team is usually going to win, no matter the location), and i dont trust much about denver beyond the running games ability to produce. jake plummer is as fucking unpredictable as they come. but i think this one boils down to the fact that i just dont really see the chargers being as good as they have been playing, or as good as the media is hyping them up to be. i say this ones close. maybe san diego wins, but i like denver to cover. ah, what the hell, denver wins by 6.

cincinnati at baltimore (baltimore -6.5): ill take the bungles to cover and i dont know why.

atlanta at tampa bay (tampa bay -1.5): the falcons are on a roll this year and just seem to keep on winning. hell theyd go undefeated if they just threw to crumpler every down, maybe letting vick run every once in a while. but they wont. and tampa has a good d. and vick never seems to be very vicklike against they bucs. and the bucs are at home. and the falcons are due for a loss. and every time i pick my home team they go down hard. so for all these reasons i pick tampa. and it wont really be that close. tampa by 17.

houston at new york jets (new york -7): even without quincy carter (fuck pennington, hes not the superstar quincy is) i like the jets. their defense should prove a bit too much for carr and the texans. new york covers.

i see no other games even worth metioning. spread or no spread the rest are fucking stinkers. perhaps by request i will make a prediction, but seeing as there have been no comments in quite some time, this looks like it will be it as far as my predictions go. this has been fun though, perhaps i will do it again. speaking of perhaps, i heard that song "perhaps, perhaps" in spanish the other day while dining at frontera. good shit, even when i cannot understand the words. anyhow, i digress. goodbye my miniscule audience. goodbye.

picks and misses

totally flipped out on my class today. no reasoning with them this time, just screaming like a maniac. it could probably be heard all over the school. three hours with 32 of them is just too damn long. dollar slice night is tonight. i will spend many dollars, cause i am hungry.

it was only a matter of time before notre dame fired willingham. honestly, did anyone expect a man named tyrone to last long amongst the irish? its too bad they have no patience there. not like anyone else is going to do a whole lot better. gotta give the guy more than three years to get good talent to the middle of fucking nowhere. that loss to pitt did him in. hello, urban meyer. floridas gonna end up with old pal from louisville, who does not impress me, which is maybe good. perhaps then they will only beat georgia like 85% of the time.

moving on, i am going to start picking games for this here blogger. why? because i can. because i watched some thing on jimmy the greek today. because this blog should be about all things which no one cares about, and me picking games is certainly one of those things. and because the mood strikes me, and that is why i do most things. so here goes, a random sampling of picks for this weekend-

the college games that might matter somewhere-
auburn v. tennessee- this one is a whooping, though i think auburn may start a bit slow due to the fact that everyone is already giving them the game. but aubrun's d will make it impossible for tennessee's shitty offense and third string qb to do anything, and i will revel in the fact that the big orange gets their ass handed to them. auburn by 24.

colorado v. oklahoma- what the fuck is this game? how does this happen? isnt the big twelve supposed to be a decent conference? shake that mother fucker up and make two decent teams play each other. this ones a fucking woodshed beating. oklahoma by 40.

virginia tech v. miami- miami has struggled lately, losing to two crappy teams, then getting by virginia (who is fading right away into oblivion after a hot start) and putting a beating on wake forest (though that doesnt count, i mean c'mon, its wake forest). virginia tech has been rolling since two early losses. bottom line here, brock berlin is not to be trusted (gator reject) but the canes have more talent on the field. my prediction, frank beamers team blocks a kick, but loses by three late.

cal v. southern miss- my upset special. southern miss has sucked lately after looking good early. cal has no business being in the fucking top 5. now, if i go with my brain here cal wins going away, if i go with my wishes tempered by logic, cal comes back in the last two minutes like every other good team has done this year to spoil upset bids, but if i go with my obvious desire to see a shitty team beat an overhyped pac-10 band of shitbags, then i say- southern miss by a surprising 13.

army v. navy- did anyone know that navy was 8-2 this year? paul johnson, georgia southern golden child, has turned that stinker around. true they only beat vandy by three and northeastern by four, but hey, 8-2 aint bad. next year is the year they finally get past those golden helmets and celebrate in south bend on notre dames field, mark my words. or dont, what do i care. this one looks easy, but then again, with army-navy you never know. army's played a better schedule and will come out swinging- army by 6, after a td to go ahead in the fourth.

arkansas pine bluff v. alabama state- look for me on the fifty yard line wearing my ark pine bluff sweatshirt and nothing else. score- i cant even bring myself to do it. my blogger should be banned for even wasting words on a game like this.

that is all i care to do today. i have become tired of staring at this glowing screen in front of me and will thus mosey on. perhaps tomorrow i will take a crack at the nfl, crap shoot that picking nfl games is. should be fun. be there or be square you jive turkeys.