grading papers

i cant do it. it will be the death of me. or the firing. we shall soon find out.

4 days

4 day weekend. thank god.

anyone wanting to booze it up this weekend should call me soon as i will be loaded before midnight.

dude

dude, i went to sleep at 5pm last night and didnt wake up til 6 this morning. how awesomely overdue was that coma. anyhow, this mcsweeney's post is pretty quality as are most diaries of inanimate objects. here goes-

THE PHOTO
COMMENTARY
OF AN EXPENSIVE
CAMERA IN THE HANDS
OF AN AMATEUR.

BY SEBASTIAN GALLESE

- - - -

OUTDOORS; DOWNTOWN
VIEW OF DALLAS; NIGHTTIME

What failed photography student doesn't have this horrible picture in his rejected portfolio? And not a rejected portfolio sent to NYU's Tisch Photography and Imaging School, either. A rejected portfolio sent to the Art Institute of Reno. But wait, I forgot—you never applied to a photography school. You failed Introduction to Visual Communications in middle school. Your background experience involves taking pictures of high-school girls in bikinis in the deep end of the country-club swimming pool with an underwater disposable camera. And you were too scared to develop those pictures, weren't you?

- - - -

OUTDOORS; SNOWY PLAINS
OF NORTH DAKOTA; SUNLIGHT

There are distinct pink hazes in the sky and you still insist on using the black-and-white film. You think it will add mood to a snow-blanketed field that contains no contrasting colors. You can always use an ultrahard-contrast paper when you develop the picture to bring about your desired artistic affect, but I know you're going to end up taking me to Wal-Mart to get this printed out on butcher paper.

- - - -

INDOORS; CANDID SHOTS AT HOUSE PARTY
IN NORMAN, OKLAHOMA; ARTIFICIAL LIGHT

Dear God, the camera manual clearly states that you must place objects to photograph more than 1 meter from the lens, yet you, after your eighth Keystone, insist on holding the camera 6 inches from you and the girl you have your arms around. I could be working with the next Ansel Adams, exposing nature's beauty, defining our future generation of earth lovers, or taking pictures for the next Tim O'Sullivan, showing America the atrocities and bloodshed of war. Instead, I am documenting your failed attempt to seduce some floozy at your old classmate's housewarming party.

- - - -

OUTDOORS; BLURRED SHOTS
OF STOREFRONT LIGHTS IN MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE; NIGHTTIME

I hope you're not going to show this picture to your friends when you go back home. Not only do you break the rule of thirds (ignoring all focal points) but you captured the least interesting set of peepshow and nude-bar neon signs possible. And no, the blurry lights in the background will not be mistaken for a "shutter-speed adjustment technique"; people will know you had a case of the shakes. Is a tripod that expensive, or did you just forget that when you spend thousands of dollars on a high-class camera, it won't make you a good photographer?

- - - -

OUTDOORS; MARDI GRAS FESTIVAL
IN NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA; NIGHTTIME

OK, you are at Mardi Gras. All you have to do is turn on the camera and snap a picture of a boob. You don't even have to think about framing it; just a little nip and we're out of here. Oh God, you're experimenting with manual mode. Do you even know what "aperture" means, let alone which f-number to shoot with at night? Jesus, you selected f/8, a.k.a. the black underexposure of death! With that setting, you could take a snapshot of the sun and it would still look dark in the print. I hope you don't plan on posting these pictures on your website.

- - - -

INDOORS; 1-INCH-BY-1-INCH HEADSHOT
FOR A FAKE I.D.; ARTIFICIAL LIGHT

This plan amazes me, not only because you believe that a printed portrait shot from your low-quality black-and-white ink-jet printer will work as a photo I.D. but also because you think you can pass yourself off as a citizen of Nicaragua even though you can't pronounce the country's name correctly. I know, I know, you will never take an Adamson and Hill self-portrait, but is it too much to ask for you to actually read my light meter and adjust the shutter? I don't want to sound condescending, but I think if you unrolled a spool of unused film, the sun would expose a better picture.

- - - -

INDOORS; A PICTURE OF YOU AND YOUR BODY PARTS THAT NOBODY WANTS TO SEE; ARTIFICIAL LIGHT

I can only pray to God my lens breaks before you are allowed to take a picture of this. I hate my meaningless life.

somebodys got a case of the modays

i am cooking lasagna. it will be quite tasty. i need something tasty. i am refusing to grade papers today. i must also go out and buy more beer. i have run out. i think i may drink heavuly tonight, just because i can. hmm, drinking alone is supposed to be bad, isnt it? fuck it. beer pleases me. i will go to the package store and find something exotic. or at least something i havent had yet here at the apartment. my collection needs a new bottle or two. any suggestions? mmm, beer beer beer. well, i must be off now to watch pti. im sure ther will be another post soon. or not. we shall see.

anyone hiring?

i need a new job. i cannot teach any longer.

now for more fun- some signs that god hates me:

1. i got stuck with that class and lost my planning period (old stuff i know; dont worry, more coming)
2. my car has no ac, and i hate being hot
3. i graded my life away last week (like 70 hours)
4. i have that damn class every thursday until like 9pm- that makes a 15 hour work day not counting grading. horseshit.
5. my fantasy football team features second round pick dante culpepper at qb- he has now thrown for 0 touchdowns and 8 interceptions. he has also fumbled twice.
6. i was told i would be getting rid of my extra class tomorrow. of course that fell through and im stuck with them until christmas.
7. at school we all ordered supplies at the same time a couple of weeks ago. on friday everyone else's came. mine didnt.
8. on friday night i tried to go out and get carlson, who was in town, before heading to the highlands. on 285, right under the 85 overpass where there are no exits for like a mile and a half, traffic completely stopped. i was stuck there for an hour and a half.
9. the fucking snake keeps trying to bite me.
10. i have an angry parent conference at 7am tomorrow morning. what a way to start the week.

there's surely more, but this shit is making me angry, so im gonna stop now.

anyhow, back to the point at hand- does anyone know of a better job that will hire an unqualified and miserable human being? if so, please let me know. id love to hear about it.

my next blog will be happier, i promise. it may be a while.

thursday suck

just sat through 4 of the most broing hours worth opf shit in the history of the world. gonna quit my job in the middle of the year. new blackalicious album in like 2 weeks. this pleases me. thats all ive got the energy for. out.

underwhelming

not a whole lot to say, but a tidbit here and there for good measure. so lance is thinking about another go round simply to spite the french; gotta love that shit. my schedule gets even shittier this week with a class until 830 on thursday, that makes a fucking 14+ hour day folks. thats too much for a teachers salary. furthermore, i need more money, as the cable company seems intent on bleeding me dry. the beer trip needs to get out of the idea stage and into the planning stage or i am going to have to continue working for more than this year, which is unacceptable. this job thing is not for me, and quite frankly, i refuse to let it kill me slowly. i would much prefer the beer to kill me rapidly. at least thats more fun. anyhow, its already past my bedtime, so im gonna mosey on into the bedroom and pass the fuck out. later bitches.

what the fuck is going on?

the world is definitely out of fucking wack. the part about the dog in this article may be one of the saddest things ive ever fucking read. be warned.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050901/ap_on_re_us/hurricane_katrina_36